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My music, how I've missed you!
Watching videos of my sweetness playing guitar, singing his heart out, I wonder where my passion for my music went to.
It's times like these I pick up my old baby seagull and tune her. Plucking strings to old tunes I wrote when I was thirteen, and wishing I could still write without holding back anything like I did then.
My guitar is sitting in my room, and I have a song I want to learn. So, off I go to look up chords.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

Major Update:
It's been forever since I've posted anything here. I remember just wanting to leave this journal in the dust, and I did do that for five years.

After Mc Ewan and I split up I started really searching for who I was.

I did have a few more relationships that where not what I needed or wanted before I started to focus on myself.
D was a trans guy who I lived with for nine months. That relationship was extremely dysfunctional. I don't want to talk about it online. We aren't friends.
Near the end of that relationship I started talking to Shayne again, and building our friendship to it's current healthy state. I also started openly identifying as male.
The last monogamous relationship I had was with a genderqueer drag king who was visiting for a year from Ireland. J really wanted to immigrate here, and still does. J visits for Van Pride and her birthday, but doesn't have the qualifications to immigrate here yet. J and I are extremely different in so many ways, but we did have a lot of fun together when we where not arguing about political correctness, practical finances, and ethical differences. The sex was good, lol.

Now I have a career as a care service worker.
I'm currently "in transition," on leave from work, healing from my hystorechtomy. I've been using this time to take a second crack at writing my biography. This includes digging out all the old journal entries, and rereading them all to figure out what's going into my book. Reliving some of these memories has been intense, but good.
I'm Micael now. I stopped going by Jazz in 2008.
Been living openly as a man for nearly 4 years.

My birth father contacted me five years ago, and we have spent some time together in person getting to know each other. That has been slow going since he lives in Australia, and only visits once every other year, but it's been good for me to get to know him. He has a lot of guilt for not being in my life while I was growing up, but I don't have any bad feelings toward him anymore. I made sure to tell him I forgive him. Eventually I hope he forgives himself. From finding out he was born and raised in Fiji, that he is half Indo-Fijian and half native Fijian, I realized. I'm half black.

My whole life my mom said to me, "you're half east Indian," because that's what my birth dad and his family said, but that's not so at all. Fiji has it's own rich tribal culture that my father was taken away from when his father put him in a residential school on the other side of the island, away from his village and his mother. Needless to say, he doesn't like to talk about it. So, me being keen on knowing my roots, I have been studying a bit, and decided to go to Fiji next spring.
I moved between North Vancouver and East Vancouver a few times in the past six years, spent 6 months in Coquitlam living with my sister and her kids, and settled in East Van for the past year and a half. I love it here and I'm not moving around anymore.

I'm living polyamorously. Figuring out that I'm poly has been very liberating. Although there is a huge lack of romance in my life currently. I know that it won't stay that way forever, and it is nice having a few close people in my life that I can be totally honest, and at times intimate with.

Well, it's late so I'm going to crash, but I wish you all well.

Moving Again
I am moving to Surrey with Liz(Ethan) next month. We have found a nice place for a descent price in a very quiet neighbourhood. I am hoping that we can write up a good rental agreement with Dave, as he knows Liz from being a regular at her work.
Liz' mom is moving to the sunshine coast and I am hoping that it will be good for both of them to live away from eachother. They rely on eachother a lot.
Liz and my one year is coming up and I have that gift taken care of, but I am still working on her birthday present. I bought her something, but she found out what it was, so I am buying her something else too.
I am still working on the Drive, and I like my job, it pays ok, especially since I got that raise.
I miss spending time with friends though, you are all out there, but I work six days a week and we never seem to be able to connect. If you don't want to call me, you can e-mail or something, I do miss hearing from people.

Birthday Stuff
Okay, my dinner with Ethan(Liz) and Erin was nice. Josh and Adriana (from youth alliance) joined us for coffee after. Ethan and I went home, danced for a bit,and passed out in the comphy bed.
Today was nice, Ethan bought me a combination dvd vcr for my birthday,and we had a nice nap with the cat before heading back into Van.I bought her an early anniversary gift. Now she has a new silver chain to wear. She's buying me one too, but I haven't picked it out and our anniversary isn't until the first so there's no hurry. :o)
Anyway, thanks to Laura and Amber for the birthday e-mails. Love you, you're good friends.

My love hides behind many thorns
She hides behind green eyes every pain of her 22 years. Every unexplained rejection that she mentions in passing only makes my not knowing every detail all that more insufferable. Every asshole that belittled her, I wish I could squash like beatles beneath my boot.
If only she would lift the stone between us and open her soul to me like I open mine to her. She is everything I want and everything I need. I will take my whole lifetime to unravel her mysteries if she will let me. I only pray that she will.
I dare not tell her these things now, for the mention of them or along the lines thereof causes her to push me that much farther away. She lives day by day because the future to her is uncertain and should remain unplanned and uncertain. I live for tommorow, next week, next month and next year. I plan, I create dreams, and in every one of them I see her at my side. It is only in my nightmares that she is not there.
I would be lying if I said that I am not atleast a little afraid of losing her. I am however not afraid enough that I would give up. I do get disheartened, sad, and I feel lonely sometimes, but when you are in love with someone so much, you just don't care about pain, all you care about is loving and showing your love. Atleast that is what it is to me.
I am telling all right now, because it has been a long time since I have opened up about anything to anyone other than to her, and I can't tell her these things. It would only hurt her, even though I know she would lie to me straight faced that she is fine. (She is so strong)
So, I tell myself in my own journal, and ofcourse I tell the person(s) who run the site, because they read all these, but I don't care about that. It's no different than telling a psychologist everything, and I've done that before too.

Cranky Me
You Know when you think you're doing great and then you say something stupid, and it fucks up your whole day, because the person you love the most is hurt by your blunt comment made in passing.
All you blunt people know what I'm talking about. You speak your mind and then you're partner takes it personal. They think you're attacking them when all you're doing is stating an opinion. Granted I lack tact sometimes, but I never intend to be a bitch.
I'm trying hard here really, I mean I quit smoking, day six now. I got a raise, and I'm slowly renovating our townhouse. I cut dairy out of my diet so I'm losing weight. I don't think I could try any harder to improve myself. I just feel like no matter what I do it's not going to be good enough. I'm in love with her, I just wish she was in love with me.

First thing: My birthday is March 16th. Adrien, if you and Kiy are free Liz and I would like to go to Dinner with you that evening. Nothing special, I just want to chill with friends. I'll invite a few other people too probably.

Second: I'm on nicorette, this is day four. The only problem is that I have to keep my fingers busy or I get cranky. That can be hard when I'm at work, because I can't write when Daniel is awake.

Third: The doctor ordered me to remove dairy and garlic completely from my diet, because my allergies to them are getting dangerous. This is okay when I'm eating at home but it's proved to be a major pain in the ass when I'm eating out.

(no subject)
Things are getting better in some ways. I'm just looking at it all differently right now.
Things with Liz continue to be good, we're happy and we just keep getting closer.
Work is okay, because I've really drawn the line as to what I will put up with from my sister. I know that she's family, but I also know what my rights are as an employee, and I've basically grabbed them back from her power hungry hands. No more overtime, because I know she can't pay me. I am definately not going to work 24 hours straight anymore, and she has to respect that I don't ever want to be on assistance unless I'm in a wheelchair. Even then I'd try to work from home.
I'm spending more time with my cat and my friends, and that seems to lighten my stress. I think taking time for myself has always been hard for me to do enitialy, but once I do it I feel a lot better.
An important note on this entry: Liz was getting jealous of my sister and the kids, how much time I was spending with them and not with her. I pulled away from my family, thus putting more into the relationship with Liz.

So Much to Update.
Well, here goes, one little thing at a time:
I had a serious talk about love with Liz, and ofcourse it was the most emotional and deep conversation we've had since we started our relationship. She has taught me a lot about living one day at a time and enjoying life. I have been going through a tough time and let my self confidence sway a lot. This lack of confidence was not something I noticed, but she has. Now that I am aware of it I'm grabbing the bull by the horns and riding the bastard till he drops.
My job has changed a lot. I got a raise, Danny is walking and climbing all over everything now, and my sister has grown from being some-what of a friend to an over bairing dicouraging bitch. She's always had that capacity, I just haven't seen it in a long time. Her need to push her ideals on me and insult my wanting to be successful instead of going on disability or welfare(like her) has become too much for me. So, regardless of my loving the kids and my sister,I am still looking for a different job.
Another friend is moving away. Laura is moving to Scotland in July, and i will miss her more than she realizes. She's been really close to me in the short time that we've known eachother, and I am going to miss her terribley. People are always leaving me :(

(no subject)
It took me a while to come to grips with reality. I thought it was okay to be jealous of Ty because Liz loves her too, but it's not okay. I have no right to tell Liz not to hang out with her best friend, and I'm cool with it now. I always trusted and trust Liz, but her loving someone other than me really bothered me. Now it's no big thing though.
If I had someone I was that close to I would want Liz to be okay with my hanging out with them. Best friends are a must for some people. Not for me usually, but that's not by choice necessarily.
I guess it is hard for people to be close to me, because I don't let people get close at first. It takes a person(s) that is patient and really wants to know me to get close to me. That's why I'm so thankful for Liz. I do wish that I had a best friend of my own like she does sometimes, but that will come at the right time if it is to come.